-Join the army. Visit exotic places. Meet strange people. Then kill them.
-Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do insult them, you are a mile away AND you have their shoes.
-When life gives you lemons, make grape soda and let the world wonder how you did it.
-Where there's a will, there's always 500 relatives and a cheesy reality show.
-I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
-Problem? Build a bridge and get over it.
-I don't suffer from my insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
-Apparently, every one in five people in the world are chinese and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either me, my mum, my dad, my older brother Collin, or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. BUT I THINK IT'S COLLIN!
-Did you know, dolphins are so smart that within only a few weeks of captivity they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pools and throw them fish?
-They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance?
-I like work. It fascinates me. I can stare at it for hours on end.
-For sale: One parachute. Never opened. Used once. Small stain.
-If you don't like the way I drive, then get off the sidewalk!
-Only in America do we have drive through ATMs with braille on them.
-“I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody, a rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say “oh shit I’m sorry I thought paper would protect you, asshole.”
-There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn’t canine. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? English is a silly language … it doesn’t know if it is coming or going!!
I'm a short, spunky ball of fire. I'm also very observant and analytical. I'm loyal to all of my friends and my family, and have a habit of seeming almost too much like a dog ;D. My favorite hobbies are writing 100 page stories for fun, sketching landscapes, and keeping it old school with silly puns and random sayings. My proof of that resides in the pocket watch I always carry around with me. What can I say? I belong in the old west.
Got a question? I have an answer, though might be irrelevant.
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